看笑話學(xué)英語(yǔ)笑話大全笑翻譯

1、1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an

2、apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"一天，有一個(gè)城市里的游客來到一個(gè)小鄉(xiāng)村，在鄉(xiāng)間路上開著車，想看看農(nóng)莊是什么樣子，也想看看農(nóng)夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農(nóng)夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對(duì)

3、農(nóng)夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費(fèi)時(shí)間嗎?"那位農(nóng)夫 回答說，"時(shí)間對(duì)豬有什么意義?" 2.The Looney BinLate one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海﹐ne inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"The first inmate said, "God told me!"Just then, a voice from another roo

4、m shouted, "I did not!"瘋?cè)嗽阂惶焱砩希诏側(cè)嗽豪?，一個(gè)病人說：“我是拿破侖！”另一個(gè)說：“你怎么知道？”第一個(gè)人說：“上帝對(duì)我說的！”一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)聲音從另一個(gè)房間傳來：“我沒說！”Notes:（1）Looney (俚語(yǔ)）瘋子（2）inmate （n.同住者, 同室者(特指在醫(yī)院、監(jiān)獄)）（3）insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海?3.Boxing and RunningDan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a toug

5、h world, so Im teaching my boy to fight."Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, whos also been taught how to box."Dan: "Im teaching him how to run, too."拳擊和賽跑丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個(gè)粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏?！迸笥眩骸叭绻錾系膶?duì)手是一個(gè)比他高大，健壯而且也會(huì)拳擊的人怎么辦？”丹

6、：“我也會(huì)教他怎么樣賽跑呢?！盢OTEcome up against 遇到一個(gè)對(duì)手 against表示相對(duì)的相反的 4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitors Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.So one Visitors Day, the warden call

7、ed George to his office and said, "I notice youve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on Georges shoulder. "Tell me, dont you have any friends or family?"George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. Its just that theyre all in here!"典獄長(zhǎng)對(duì)獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因

8、為每逢周末的探訪日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一個(gè)探訪日，典獄長(zhǎng)把喬治叫到辦公室說：“喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你。”他滿懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎？”喬治回答：“喔！當(dāng)然有，典獄長(zhǎng)，只不過他們?nèi)荚谶@里面！”5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold

9、 teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人搶你的手表時(shí)，你為什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。 6.A shoplifter（商店扒手） |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the w

10、atch, and we forget about this?"The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook（騙子，壞蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."一個(gè)小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一只手表的時(shí)候被當(dāng)場(chǎng)擒獲?！奥犞?，”小偷說，“我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這只表買下，然后我們就當(dāng)什么也沒發(fā)生，你看怎樣？”經(jīng)理表示同意，然后列了一張售貨單。小偷看著單子說道：“這比我最初的預(yù)

11、算稍稍高了一點(diǎn)，你們還有沒有便宜一點(diǎn)兒東西。" 7.The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by asentry（哨兵） . When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams（縫合線） . 來自我要看笑話"What's in here?" he asked."Dirt," the driver repl

12、ied."Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.&qu

13、ot;What's in the bags this time?" he asked."Dirt, more dirt." said the man.Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit an

14、d became a bartender（酒保） .Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house（免費(fèi)）tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."G

15、rinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."一個(gè)形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時(shí)，驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)了六個(gè)接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋?！袄锩嫜b的是什么？”他問道。“土。”司機(jī)回答?！鞍汛幽贸鰜怼?，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查?！蹦侨隧槒牡匕芽诖崃顺鰜?。確實(shí)，口袋里除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情愿地讓他通過了。一周后，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱?！斑@次袋子里裝的是什么？”他問道。“土，又運(yùn)了一些土?！蹦侨嘶卮稹Ｉ诒?/p>

16、相信，對(duì)那些袋子又進(jìn)行了檢查，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續(xù)了六個(gè)月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，干脆辭職去當(dāng)了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那個(gè)形跡可疑的人碰巧途經(jīng)酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對(duì)他說，“我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個(gè)忙，今晚的酒就歸我請(qǐng)客。你能不能告訴我，那段時(shí)間你到底在走私什么東西？”那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車?！?8.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog."It's all right," said a

17、gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一個(gè)小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子?！皼]有關(guān)系，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你知道這條諺語(yǔ)嗎：吠狗不咬人?！薄鞍?，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？” 9.Class

18、and AssProfessor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c” Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l(fā)”格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個(gè)通知：“勞里教授今天不會(huì)他的班?！?一個(gè)學(xué)生讀

19、了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。 后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l(fā)”。來自我要看笑話 10.The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被寵壞的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發(fā)脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, his firs

20、t day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry? Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!六歲的約翰嬌生慣養(yǎng)。他的父親知道這一點(diǎn)，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭

21、，就是鬧。他第一天上學(xué)才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學(xué)了，他奶奶在門口接他并問道：學(xué)校怎么樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？哭？約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。 11.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you&#

22、39;re stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一個(gè)老師在對(duì)學(xué)生們講心理學(xué)，“誰(shuí)認(rèn)為自己蠢就站起來？”她一開始就說。小約翰尼站了起來?！澳阏J(rèn)為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼？”老師問?！安皇堑?，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個(gè)人站著。” 12.Stupid QuestionDan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his doo

23、r, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.“Now people aren't

24、 going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?”愚蠢的問題丹在一個(gè)大城市的某個(gè)俱樂部當(dāng)守門人。每天都有數(shù)千人經(jīng)過他的門口，而且許多人都會(huì)停下來問他:“請(qǐng)問現(xiàn)在幾點(diǎn)？”幾個(gè)月后，丹想:“我不想再回答這些蠢人提出的問題了，我要去買一只大鐘，把它掛在這兒的墻上?！庇谑撬I了一只鐘，把它掛在了墻上。“現(xiàn)在人們總不會(huì)再

25、停下來問我時(shí)間了。”他高興地想?？墒谴蚰且院?，每天仍有許多人停下來，看看鐘，然后問丹:“這鐘準(zhǔn)嗎？” 13.Things Have Been OkayA young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, M

26、om, the toast is burned.You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay.一切都正常一對(duì)年輕夫婦有個(gè)兒子，已經(jīng)四歲了，還沒有開口說話，他們對(duì)此深感焦慮。他們帶他去找專家診治，但醫(yī)生們總覺得他沒有毛病。后來有一天早上吃早餐時(shí)，那孩子突然開口了：媽媽，面包烤焦了。你說話了!你說話了!他母親叫了起來。我太高興了!但為什么花了這么長(zhǎng)的時(shí)

27、間呢？哦，在這之前，那男孩說，一切都很正常。14.What Color什么顏色An impoverished graduate student at Clemson University in South Carolina, I was excited when my father informed me that he had bought me a car. Hardly able to contain my enthusiasm, I asked Dad the typical questions: "What kind is it? Does it have a stick

28、shift? Does it have a tape deck?""It's a 1982 Toyota," he replied. "It's a four speed, and, yes, it has a tape deck . " Pleased, I asked what color it was. "Well, " he said uncomfortably, " which part?"作為南卡羅萊那州克萊姆森大學(xué)的一個(gè)本科生，我囊中羞澀，當(dāng)我父親告訴我他為我買了輛車時(shí)，我甚

29、是激動(dòng)。我?guī)缀蹩刂撇蛔∥业臒崆?，問了爸爸幾個(gè)關(guān)鍵問題：“什么車？有沒有手排擋？有沒有磁帶艙？”“是1982年產(chǎn)豐田車，”他回答說，“四速，還有，是的，有磁帶艙?！蔽疑跏歉吲d，又問是什么顏色的。“哦，”他很不舒服地說，“你指哪一部分？” 15.The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today “It works like this，” she said“Suppose you wanted tore member t

30、he name of a poetRobert Burns，for instance”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flamesSee？Bobby Burns！” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？”我們的老師正在給我們介紹現(xiàn)在某些學(xué)校使用

31、的一種新的記憶訓(xùn)練系統(tǒng)?！斑@個(gè)系統(tǒng)是這樣的，”她說?！凹俣阋涀∫粋€(gè)詩(shī)人的名字例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告訴我們把他當(dāng)作博比·彭斯?！白屇愕哪X海里閃現(xiàn)出一個(gè)倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎？警察燃燒！” “我明白你的意思，”班上的萬(wàn)事通說。“但是你怎么能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢？”16.No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother A friend gave him advice “Find a girl just lik

32、e your motherthen she's bound to like her So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girlHe told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like motherAnd just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what h

33、appened？” “Nothing，”said the young man“My father hates her！”無論帶哪一個(gè)女孩回家，這位青年人總會(huì)遭到母親的反對(duì)。一位朋友勸他說： “找一個(gè)和你母親一樣的女孩那她一定會(huì)喜歡她?！?于是這位青年人不停地找啊找，終于找到了這么個(gè)女孩。 正像你說的那樣，我找到一個(gè)長(zhǎng)相、談吐、穿著打扮，甚至連烹飪都和我母親一樣的女孩。也正像你說的那樣，我母親喜歡她。” “那后來呢？”朋友問。 “沒什么，”青年人說?！拔腋赣H討厭她！”17.Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into di

34、scussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if an

35、yone knew what that meant.One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"我們的物理教授千方百計(jì)引導(dǎo)我們討論阿基米德的排水原理。他告訴我們阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他進(jìn)入池子，發(fā)現(xiàn)水漲高了，溢出池沿。他對(duì)這一發(fā)現(xiàn)十分激動(dòng)，跑到街上高叫：“Eureka，Eureka！”教授問我們誰(shuí)知道他喊的是什么意思。一個(gè)學(xué)生站起來答道：“我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦！”18.A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a

36、 marriage counselor “When I was first married，I was very happy I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippersNow everything's changedWhen I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me” “I do

37、n't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor“You're still getting the same service”一個(gè)結(jié)婚十年的男人正在請(qǐng)教一位婚姻顧問?！皠偨Y(jié)婚那會(huì)兒，我非常幸福。我在店里勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會(huì)繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來拖鞋?，F(xiàn)在一切都變了。我回到家里，我的狗給我拿來拖鞋，我的妻子對(duì)著我汪汪叫?！?“我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顧問說?！澳愕玫降姆?wù)還是一樣的呀?！?9.A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding m

38、otorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded."Yes, sir," replied the driver. "Then why didn't you pull over immediately?" "I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, a

39、nd I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一個(gè)超速司機(jī)?！半y道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的意思嗎？”他責(zé)問道。 “知道，長(zhǎng)官，”司機(jī)回答說。“那你為什么不立即靠邊停車？” “我本來想這樣做的，長(zhǎng)官?！蹦悄凶踊卮鹫f，“但上個(gè)月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來?！?20.Workman：“MrBrown，I should like to ask for a smallrise in my wages I have just been married” Employer：“Very sorry，my dear man， but I

40、can't helpyou For accidents which happen to our workmen outside thefactory we are not responsible”工人：“布朗先生，我想請(qǐng)您給我加一點(diǎn)工資。我剛剛結(jié)了婚?！?雇主：“非常抱歉，老兄，但是我無能為力。對(duì)工人在廠外發(fā)生的事故我們概不負(fù)責(zé)。”21.Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town Sotired had the authorities become of contributing to his supportthat they dec

41、ided to consign him to a living tomb Accordinglyhe was prepared for burial The hearse was an old ramshacklecountry wagon As the strange cortege moved along some old residentasked，“Who is it？” “Why，Seth Smith， who is too lazy to get anything to liveon， so we are going to bury him alive” “I'll giv

42、e him a bushel of corn，” said one“And I will，”said another Slowly raising his head， Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor？” “No，you must do that yourself” Gently replacing his head， he said：“ Drive on， boys，drive on”塞思·史密斯被公認(rèn)為鎮(zhèn)上頭號(hào)懶人。長(zhǎng)官們實(shí)在懶得再供養(yǎng)他，便決定把他送進(jìn)一個(gè)天然墳?zāi)估锶?。于是他被?zhǔn)備著去埋葬，靈車是一輛搖搖晃晃的鄉(xiāng)下舊馬車。正當(dāng)這列

43、奇怪的送葬隊(duì)伍在行進(jìn)時(shí)，一些老街坊問道：“這是誰(shuí)?。俊薄鞍?，塞思·史密斯，他懶得沒法活了，我們這就去把他活埋。”“我來給他一蒲式耳谷子吧，”一個(gè)人說?！拔乙步o，”另一個(gè)說。 塞思慢慢抬起頭來問道：“谷子脫粒了嗎，街坊？” “沒有，你得自己來?！彼従彴杨^放回原處說：“接著走吧，孩子們，接著走吧?！?2.Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.The biggest turtle said to the smallest one,

44、" Go home and get the umbrella."The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my offee.""We won't," the other two promised.Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isn't coming back, so we might as well drink

45、his coffee."Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I won't go."三只烏龜決定去喝咖啡。它們剛到咖啡店的門口，就下起雨來。于是最大的那只烏龜對(duì)最小的烏龜說，“回家去取傘吧?！弊钚〉臑觚斦f，“如果你們不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去?！薄拔覀儾缓?，”另外兩只烏龜答應(yīng)說。兩年后，大烏龜對(duì)中烏龜說，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回來了，我們可以把它的咖啡喝掉了。”正在這時(shí)，一個(gè)聲音從門外傳來，“你們要是喝了，我就不去。”23.4-year-old Begin and his co

46、usin scrambled (攀爬，爭(zhēng)搶) for toys. His mum told him: “ You are older brother because youre older than your (cousin) sister. You should give ground to her. ” Begin thought a little but maintained(堅(jiān)持) : “ My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.” His uncle around overheard and said

47、: “Such a thing hardly occurs.”四歲的貝京和小妹妹爭(zhēng)玩具。媽媽對(duì)他說：“你大，你是哥哥，要讓著小妹妹點(diǎn)兒?！?貝京想了想，堅(jiān)持說：“等妹妹長(zhǎng)得比我大了，她也得讓著我?！币谭蛟谝慌月犃苏f：“這種情況相當(dāng)罕見。24."Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," h

48、e said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist-the doctor lives downstairs."“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什么病。”他從

49、頭到腳打量打量她，然后大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對(duì)你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會(huì)改變。第三，我是一位畫家醫(yī)生住在樓下。” 25.The Astronaut Pen During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its spa

50、ce capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.在二十世紀(jì)六十年代，美國(guó)和蘇聯(lián)正

51、處于太空競(jìng)賽的白熱化階段，美國(guó)航空航天局決定研制一種圓珠筆，以便在太空艙重力為零的環(huán)境下仍然可以書寫。經(jīng)過大量的研發(fā)工作，花費(fèi)了大約一百萬(wàn)美元的成本，太空筆終于研制出來了。那支筆果然可以在太空書寫，在回到地球后，作為一樣新奇的小玩意兒也確實(shí)吸引了一些目光。而面臨著同樣難題的蘇聯(lián)，則選擇了一支鉛筆。26.George comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like h

52、er, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too."9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里?！皢讨?，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？” 媽媽問?！皨寢?，我不喜歡，因?yàn)樗f3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6?！?7.The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal

53、 was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fenc

54、e?""I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.動(dòng)物園為剛引進(jìn)的袋鼠建了一個(gè)特殊的八英尺高的圍墻。但是第二天早上，人們發(fā)現(xiàn)這動(dòng)物在圍墻外面蹦跳著。于是圍墻高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動(dòng)物園經(jīng)理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍墻高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。一個(gè)長(zhǎng)頸鹿問袋鼠：“你認(rèn)為他們會(huì)把圍墻建到多高？” “我不知道，”袋鼠說，“如果他們繼續(xù)開著大門，可能要修到一千英尺吧。”28.Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this One evening he had invited several friendsto dinner， and while they were sitting at the table